


Every Breath We Take

by Nihonkikuasa211



Category: Code Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Love Confessions, Post 1x18, Post-Break Up, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-05
Updated: 2016-03-05
Packaged: 2018-05-24 19:37:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6164323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nihonkikuasa211/pseuds/Nihonkikuasa211
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This time it is Christa who finds Neal in the supply room. Confessions from both are made regarding their feelings for each other. "You never were my second choice."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Every Breath We Take

_Every Breath We Take_

 

"Neal?”

Christa Lorenson had been walking into the supply room when she saw a figure sitting on the floor. Her heart stopped as she recognized the person sitting on the floor. She swallowed, a part of her not knowing what to do as she saw her ex-boyfriend sitting on the ground of the supply room.

She called his name, but he didn’t respond. The blond resident inadvertently remembered of how Neal had found her here too in the supply closet, shortly before the end of their shift. Christa had been upset about the death of Kelly, a patient that she knew something was wrong, but wasn’t able to save her. _“It doesn’t mean anything to her family, or to me, not when I –”_

_“I know, I know, I know.”_

She remembered of how Neal had learned his forehead against hers, and of how she noted later that his hands had wrapped around her waist. They had kissed – not once, but four times.

Not only once had Christa wondered, _How could I have given that up?_ But her heart remained steadfast, reminding herself in the moments when she longed for Neal that she was his second choice. _He asked her to marry him._ It had hurt, she thought, when she found Grace comforting him. Holding his hand as if she still loved him. As if she hadn’t left him. Although Christa hadn’t said anything to Grace since she and Neal had broken up, the blond resident wondered if the African American attending still had feelings for Neal. If she did ask, Christa wasn’t certain if she would want to know the answer.

“Neal?”

This time he was able to respond. Christa could see through her wide blue eyes that Neal looked tired – as if he hadn’t slept in weeks. But what caused her to come closer to him, was of how broken his eyes looked. Those warm dark brown eyes that echoed in her mind when she least expected it were gone. In their stead, the blond resident could see sorrow and grief.

“I’m sorry that you have to see me like this.” Christa looked down at Neal in surprise. Her eyes softened as she attempted to search his, before he looked away. _It’s…just like him to apologize for his emotions,_ Christa thought she remembered the first time after their run-in at Hector’s, Neal had apologized. She noted further of how the dark-haired attending’s voice was slightly thick, as if he had been holding his emotions together like strings.

“It was…a boy.” Neal stated slowly, his voice slightly falling as he spoke to Christa. “A young man aged fifteen. Hit by a car.” He swallowed, and Christa could see him take a deep breath before continuing. “His spleen and liver were crushed. I tried to resuscitate him, but Campbell made the call.”

Christa took a chance and sat down beside Neal when he quieted. Seven months before, she had been in the same position he was in – the guilt, the sorrow, and the knowledge that you couldn’t save a patient. But there was something else. Neal was a kind person. Even so, the blond resident hadn’t seen him come this undone since his mother had been put on a ventilator. Neal felt things deeply – but he kept it inside, Christa realized. She was the opposite, allowing her emotions to overwhelm her. It was only later after crying herself to sleep that Christa remembered of how Neal had reacted to her telling him that she couldn’t do this anymore. His eyes told so much. They had burned in pain, so much so that Christa felt tears trailing from her eyes as she thought of those dark brown eyes, once so kind and loving, bright with pain. Neal had opened his mouth to say something, but he didn’t say anything. _Why?_ Christa had thought as she caressed the scarf that Neal had given her in her hands. _Why didn’t you_ say _anything? I_ wanted _you to say something, anything._

Perhaps a day or two had passed before Mike Leighton had suddenly appeared in locker room after the end of her shift and told her that he needed to talk with her. The director of residency didn’t speak for a moment as he stared at Christa. The blond resident hadn’t known much about him, or his relationship with Neal, only knowing that they had been residents together in Angles. When Grace had come back from Haiti, Christa had wondered if the female attending had been a resident at Angles as well, knowing Neal well before the blond resident knew he existed.

_“As his friend, I probably shouldn’t say this.”_ Mike had looked at Christa for a moment before continuing with slightly bated breath. _“Neal…he doesn’t say things until he thinks of everything of what to say. I know that you’re not together anymore, and I know that you’re probably hurting as much as he is right now.”_ There was no accusation in Mike’s tone, and there was only understanding in his eyes as he stared at Christa’s pained expression at the mention of Neal’s pain. _“He’s been through this before, you know, and so have you.”_

Christa had held her voice together as she spoke to the brown-haired director.

_“What are you trying to say?”_

Mike sighed softly and his fingers slightly caressed the stubble across his face as he attempted to come up with an answer to Christa’s question.

_“I just hope none of you have made a mistake.”_

“Some of his belongings were in a bag,” Neal stated softly as his voice brought Christa out of her thoughts. She took a glance at him, and saw his face tense with pain, and his dark brown eyes swimming with sorrow. “His phone had some pictures, and…a text.” A shuddering breath escaped from Neal as he blinked rapidly. “From his girlfriend.”

Christa could see the sorrow increasing with each moment within Neal’s frame. A part of her wanted to comfort him. Tell him words that she knew she wouldn’t be able to convey.

Because it wasn’t just about the teenage boy who had died.

“Now a boy named Daniel Hearts won’t be able to see his girlfriend again.” _Neal…_ Christa thought as the dark-haired attending started to lose whatever control he had left. “His blood will continue to stain on the ground, and those three words that he wanted to say will never be said.” _I’m sorry,_ the blond resident thought as she watched Neal’s eyes squeeze shut. _I’m sorry…for that I did. For what we both did._

_That teenage boy…is you, isn’t he?_

Christa placed her hand around Neal’s until it gently grasped his own. Three tear drops fell, sliding on Christa’s paler skin as Neal looked at her clearly for the first time. Tears were running down his face. The dark circles under his eyes exacerbated whatever sorrow he was feeling, and the attending swallowed thickly as he stared at the blond woman across from him.

“I’m sorry,” he rasped.

“No,” Christa stated softly. “It wasn’t just you, Neal. It was both of us.” She looked at the sight of his heartbroken face, tears continuously streaking down his cheeks and onto her hand, and moved herself closer to him. The blond resident was close enough now that she could see everything – of how their break-up had affected Neal. How could she not see it? She had thought she had cried away all of her tears after her son had died and her ex-husband had left her, but that was not true. It took a month for Christa to not cry every day when she came home. Every moment she saw Neal hurt, and it became so hard when she thought of how their relationship had simply become professional – no longer the small longing stares or the shared look in their eyes and the faint laughter at the end of the shift. Christa missed him. Christa missed every part of Neal. She missed the closeness they had, and his touch.

The blond could still remember of how good and amazing it felt to have Neal’s lips across her own. The smile that he gave her – a beautiful smile that Christa would never forget as long as she could remember anything – when they entered his apartment, and of how gentle his kisses were when he kissed her during the morning in the after-glow, the feeling felt so much in that kiss. Christa remembered of how he had gasped when she started to kiss deeply, so soundly, after she told him there was no time. The sight of the want in his eyes almost caused Christa to want to kiss him again, but she took her fingers and gently placed them across his lips, then stroked his cheek gently.

As she held his hand as Neal continued to cry, Christa wondered of how he had felt when Grace had left him. He had loved her enough to want to marry her – and yet she had refused, leaving him alone and with a broken heart that Christa was no less guilty of. At the thought of Neal alone and in pain, during the five months since their break-up, Christa held Neal’s hand gently as she softy began to stroke his knuckles – as he had done to hers on that blissful morning.

The tears slowly began to cease as Neal began to calm. His dark eyes were glazed with pain, but his voice was stronger as Neal turned his face towards Christa’s.

“I cannot imagine dying and not being able to show how much a person means to me,” Neal whispered. Christa’s fingers continued to stroke his knuckles, and a slightly calm look crossed Neal’s face as the attending looked at her. “I cannot imagine…no longer able to say the things I have always meant to say.”

Christa felt tears well in her eyes as she stared at the slight of the agony and _love_ shining in Neal’s eyes. The tears fell, falling onto both of their clasped hands now as Christa stated the question she had always wanted to ask, that she _should_ have asked five months ago.

“Am I your second choice?”

“No.” Neal’s voice was calm and a small smile graced his face as his dark brown eyes stared at Christa. “You never were my second choice. You never were, Christa.” Neal slightly cleared his throat and explained softly. “I believe I had fallen for you for a long time. I…didn’t realize it until I saw you sleeping beside me. Not once,” Neal stated as fresh tears began to streak Christa’s cheeks, “did I think of anyone else. When I saw you, I didn’t just see a woman who had lost her beloved son. I didn’t see a divorced woman who was hurting with so much pain. I didn’t see the doctor who was brave, so amazing, and so brilliant I couldn’t think of a reason why she would consider herself a mess.” At that moment, Neal softly removed his hand from Christa’s, where it curled to cup her cheek. “I simply saw you as…Christa.”

“When the teenage boy named Daniel died, I couldn’t help but think of all the time we could have thrown away if I was the patient lying dead in the OR, with so many things unsaid.”

For a moment, Neal paused. His eyes shone with fresh tears, and Christa could feel her own tears caress her cheeks as he caressed her cheek.

“I love you, my Christa Lorenson.”

Christa’s face crumbled, and a sharp sob escaped from her mouth as her soulful eyes bored into Neal’s dark brown. _I will forever lose myself in you._

“You are my everything,” Christa whispered. “I once thought I could never love again, but I was wrong. I was wrong,” she whispered as she leaned her forehead against his. For a moment, they both stayed still. Relishing in the fact that they were breathing the same air, their heartbeats connecting. “I never thought I could love someone as deeply as you, Neal.” Her blue eyes searched his, and Christa felt a smile across her face. “You are my happiness, Neal. My home.”

“You are…the breath of my life.” Christa paused, and she found that tears were again spilling from her eyes. She felt so much emotion it felt as if her tears explained everything she felt for this amazing man. “Everything that I had lost…became you.” Softly, Christa took Neal’s hand and grasped into her own. It was warm. And Christa smiled, never so happy to feel Neal’s warm hands in hers again.

“With every breath I take, I breathe my love for you.” Neal was grasping her hand tightly, never wanting to let it go and staring at her with so much emotion and happiness. “I love you, my Neal Hudson.”

Slowly, she removed her hands and cupped Neal’s face, brushing her nose against his for a moment. She looked deeply into his eyes and saw nothing but what she should have seen before.

Love.

Unconditional love.

“My darling.”

His lips were soft and full, as warm as they had been when they had first kissed. Their lips started to move across each other after a moment, slowly losing themselves in anything but each other.

After they pulled apart, Christa continued to lean her forehead against Neal’s. She felt his hands move to her hair, stroking the blond strands tenderly. For a moment, Christa was simply content to feel his hands in her hair. Then, after a moment, the resident leaned her head against Neal’s shoulder. The feel of his hands combing her hair as he hummed softly, his soft tenor soothing, caused Christa to come closer to Neal, where her arms encircled around his waist.

_There is nowhere,_ Christa thought as she continued to lean her head against the shoulder of the man she realized she loved, _that I would rather want to be._


End file.
